Block off 15 minutes to brainstorm about each person’s unique strengths. This will begin a virtuous cycle of gratitude. Before you ask for feedback, send your notes of appreciation and gratitude to people in your life: parents, colleagues, bosses, kids, friends, siblings. You can make this your own personal project or a team activity, or, if you’re a boss, you can choose to send notes of appreciation to your direct reports. The process, which I detail in my book Exceptional, is also adaptable to your needs. Once you can see how others perceive you when you make your best impact, you’ll be more likely to maximize and build upon the unique strengths that make you exceptional. But by building a personal highlight reel, it’s possible to jolt yourself into a more positive cycle and create real personal change. We spiral downward and find ourselves in ruts that hold us back from our potential. This can make life seem like a daily struggle. Often, we don’t notice how our negative assumptions and negative self-talk become our default setting. Because it questions our basic assumptions, it can shift your controls from autopilot to manual. Ironically, what makes the Positive Method so effective is how uncomfortable it is. People feel inspired and energized to use their strengths even more, and give more to others, after reading their highlights. I can tell you, this fear is misplaced when it comes to the Positive Method. Why? Over the years, I’ve become convinced that our allergic reaction is because we’re afraid that if we focus on people’s positive contributions, we’ll make them arrogant. In my structured interviews of people who completed the Positive Method, more than half of the people I spoke with, from Seoul and Sydney to New Jersey, spontaneously mentioned the cultural resistance to focusing on people’s unique strengths.

If this makes you nervous, you’re not alone. You end up with a personal highlight reel: a set of memories of you at your very best. The task involves reaching out to people who mean the most to you of times, sharing anecdotes of when they made an impact, and asking them to share memories of you being the best version of yourself. But the process will probably make you feel vulnerable, squeamish, and uncomfortable. No, this doesn’t involve faking your own death. Building on a well-established technique called Reflected Best-Self Exercise, my process is akin to listening to your friends, co-workers, and family eulogize you. Over the years, through my academic research and consulting, I’ve developed a process for achieving personal growth through positive trauma called the Positive Method. And, according to research, the jolts we feel from these positive disruptive events can energize us, boost our self-esteem, deepen our relationship with others, and enhance the meaning of our lives. But positive events can lead to post-traumatic growth, too: landing a new job, having a new baby, or falling in love.

Sometimes, personal trauma - recovering from a serious illness, losing a close friend, getting laid off, or struggling through a pandemic - can make you question your assumptions and push you to change the path you’re on.

Highlight reel